So over the past few months I bought a black desk – well, now that I think of it, I have to go a little further back. In 2017, the fam and I went all in on buying a new house. By all in, I mean we went through the normal route of selling a house, losing the buyer, selling it again and conditionally buying a house, losing the buyer (a different one) and losing our conditionally purchased house, and then in a shocking twist, selling our house and buying one. I often call that process God’s Warning as it is the knowledge that made me decide I knew what my personal hell was and I really didn’t want to end up there.
Shortly after we moved into the new house, I bought a robot vacuum which I unironically say was ‘literally the best purchase I have ever made’. Seriously, it has been a game changer. Until that day, I moped around each day waiting for the inevitable moment when I would realize I was walking on filth (not sunshine). That moment usually occurred when I was walking in my socks which though were white towards the beginning of the day, had grown hairy and sticky towards the end. This is likely on account of our enormous, seriously oversized large dog (he has 3 layers of fur and 110+ lbs of heft) and/or the inordinate (yet excellent) number of children we have (3). It may also have something to do with my admittedly wayward love of tortilla chips and gummy worms. Suffice to say, there was ample opportunity for the crumbs to pile up daily and we did multiple manual cleanings each day.
[Author’s aside: At this point you may be thinking, finally – he is talking about the crumbs he mentioned in the subject line – I thought this email was my own personal God’s Warning! Sadly, you are mistaken, this story or non-story as many would call it, still has some legs to it.]
[Author’s editor: Wait, did Cody just do an aside for an email he is still writing? That’s completely inane.]
[Author’s aside #2: Admittedly there is no editor. I mean, couldn’t you tell?]
So as I was saying, this robot vacuum was a huge saver of lives and destroyer of dirt but I quickly noticed the vacuum still found dirt that had been undetected in previous cleaning missions (when my kids clean, I tell them they are going on missions, that way it is fun, or something like that). While this unearthed dirt made me proud of the vacuum, it also made me think that my mini-mission-takers weren’t as good as they said they were. But that couldn’t be the case, as they complain far too much about cleaning for it not to be effectual. So, I got to thinking, maybe it’s not us but the house itself that makes crumbs [Author’s editor #2: This is the worst Steven King twist ever].
Recently I purchased a black desk (we are nearly back to where we began!) and this crumb theory has been put to the test. This standing work desk has a few notable characteristics: It is black, oblong and rounded. Also, I do not eat at this desk. However, despite my lack of edible arrangements around the desk, crumbs constantly pile up on it and since the desk is black, those crumbs can annoyingly be seen constantly – even through a pair of dim sunglasses (hyperbole confirmed). I have three theories:
1) My desk simply attracts dust floating through the air to its surface (least likely in my opinion).
2) The kids and dog are having cracker parties at my desk (I wouldn’t put this past them).
3) The house is creating crumbs autonomously and they go everywhere, including my desk. While this is unconfirmed, it is likely true. I have the same level of proof all of those supplements do that don’t have FDA approval – and those supplements are a billion dollar industry (and $ equals proof, right?).
If you are still with me, I am impressed. I want to tell you about one of the great clients we worked with recently. PATCtech does some amazing work. Among other things, they help police catch bad guys by legally hacking computers and phones, insurance companies by digitally investigating claims, and train agencies and organizations all over the country on digital forensics. With this project, we worked to create a website that is tech-centric yet user friendly. Good times and worth a look!
I made it this far and didn’t even mention the New Year. I didn’t want to be like one of those salesy emails you see all of the time talking about 2019 and resolutions. In fact, in 2019 I made a resolution to notever do that in an email. If you are around this Tuesday and interested in marketing, check out Indy’s AMA event which should be awesome. I’ll be there but you shouldn’t let that stop you from coming – check it out.
As always, thanks for reading,